Recluse 

sum of us.

you asked for beauty

buried debt in 

ritual unions.

wash my hands –the job is done

turn, divisive.

all design

all desire.

some, certain ersatz 

fidelity to my own disasters.

art that reassures the viewer

of the rebirth of its creator.

what is the difference 

between arbitrary or empty.

unholy ratios

sex, contempt, money.

come certain

undone within me. 

one, a certain in a foundry.

heavy stone

lying prostrate 

on your body stone. 

mesmerism 

in the head leads

incessantly. 

they don't warn you about 

pounding; morose suffering

a delight

for Dostoevsky, the romantics &

monks.

a fiction & exit strategy at best

a life at most.

how to render your likeness

I want to free the objects that live in my mind. They are limited in their likeness by having been placed within me. I only know what I see, read, hear, all rendered through my small reality.

I rather not be punitive.

TS tells me about her long distance romance. It's really swept her off her feet. My heart sinks for her because they live on opposite sides of the world. I feel a twinge of sadness because here I am being perfectly mobile.

ST gifted me Duras' Malady of Death and flowers. We went into the basement of Gandt in Astoria. We walked to the sculpture park by the water. We talked about teeth, poetry, the limits of writing about embodiment. We hung out with our brown bags in an empty parking lot of a Dollar General in Dumbo. I sat under a tree. We hugged goodbye on the subway platform.

He just texted me "leos and their "audience." 

I'm still waiting for God to have something to say. Perhaps an icy pearl. A girl on the world.

I want to remember all of it.

I had another zoom date with E and we bantered well. We are talking with more frequency now and I convinced him to read Kristeva excerpts for his next reading group session. We are going to Kent and another coastal pagan town. We have to think about a ritual or sacrifice to perform. I find E to be very emotionally intelligent. I have no idea what will come this. It's ultimately utterly freeing and what I need right now.

I walk 4-9 miles almost every day and I still play this game. I entertain all kind of nonsense to keep from getting bored.


Andrew listed the reasons as to why I would be a good wife:
"you inspire people to do their creative work"
"you have a lot of energy"
"you are kind"
"you can cook"


I've hung out with Andrew twice in a week's span and the first time we had oysters (on his ex's birthday, whoops) and got high at Maria Hernandez. He told me about his heart woes and I shared mine, which are becoming few and far in between. He texted me after that hang out and told me he's so glad we are friends again. Then I saw him this weekend and we had tea at like 1 am. I slept over and nothing psychical between us has happened.

I have barely written anything this month. I think that's okay.

I had a moment of weakness after not talking to JGM for over two weeks. I texted him Hello. I think I did this because I ran into 2 of his friends the other day and Katie's boy troubles with a fellow aloof leo has me thinking of JGM by comparison. I will never not question * where * it all went wrong with JGM. I truly have no idea. I mean there was signs, aspects, but the pivotal moment where things broke for good came and went from me and I can't quite grasp it. He responded– to my surprise in a friendly yet removed matter, said hello in return but that he didn't want to speak to me still. Fine then.

I am reading in two different zoom poetry readings this week. I have forthcoming planning to do with Nina whose podcast I am going to be on in September.

Don't know why I am treating this post like a calendar

All I want is to be able to remember things

toast sized teflon pan gets too hot (it smokes but I catch it). I add a drizzle of olive oil on it while I take the pan out of the heat for a second. I vaguely remember hearing about how you're supposed to wait for the pan to get hot–not too hot, before adding fat. I crack an egg on the pan. I take note that the eggs since moving to this new place in Clinton Hill have been harder to crack maybe because of either the texture of the surfaces in the kitchen or its rounded quality which is just the visual aspect of the texture I just mentioned. Sometimes when I crack an egg a piece of eggshell might get on the egg and I have to quickly get it out, usually with my hands, so that the eggshell doesn't get cooked into my eggs. I take a piece of multigrain toast from the freezer. I press the buttons labeled "defrost" and "toast" just in case defrost doesn't actually mean toasting the bread just unfreezing it then causing the bread slice to pop out of the toaster slightly soggy. If that happened I would then have to toast it again and it would take more time. I mind the egg that's on the pan. I crack some pepper while it's on the pan. I remove the egg from heat but the bread isn't done yet. I take out raw almond butter from my fridge and get a knife ready. I forget I should get water I have being kept cold in the fridge so I return to the fridge to get it. I spread almond butter on the piece of toast but before I do that I sniff the bread a little. I don't know why but I always do this. The plate my food is on is large enough where the egg and toast don't touch. I add Maldon salt to the egg. I pour myself a glass of water.

Poem I wrote for Sean for his birthday, click to enlarge

I don't know who reads what I have to say. I don't even know who listens at any given time. Should one take account their audience when writing? Will this blog come to haunt me in old age? On any given day what I love is a symbol.

Last week I brought Katie and Natalia pluots at Fort Greene park, I gifted Sean a peach in Forest Hills, I ate either peaches or nectarines with Christine at Fort Greene park and I ate yellow plums with Nick at Fort Greene park.

All is lemon & light & loss

Rachel shows me a picture of a vintage Betsey Johnson smock and says, "this is so you", it's a baby doll lolita dress. So me, I said.

Some may call a constant ache chronic others might say, well that's just history baby.

the cool thing about everything happening recently is being able to stop.The fact that I can choose how to feel, I can decide how long a feeling washes over me, how long to dwell, how fast to move. Realizing this power over one's emotions can feel freeing.

Hawaiian psych folk & truisms

accepting grief and acknowledging its course will liberate you to love

things that feel more intensely aren't always more true or more real, that's the ego peering his head

you cannot change the event you can only change your relationship to the event