our solipsistic cultural cohort

there’s an angel at my table

systemic system synergy 

i have not stopped searching for paradise 

on the cartons of Oatly ads 

a more intrepid talker would have shouted ideas

dimwitted, the ones who insists on cures through notes

all the own’s body mind is time 

the documentary dormitory

how complicated the simple life can be

conceived of each other, conceived each other in a darkness

which I remember was drenched in light

actions of others didn’t define you

people will ultimately do what they are going to do 

it is the body’s self-lessness which is its ardor 

delusion needs a home too–

it matters what we call things

A big error comes when you believe that a form, name or position in which the subject is viewed is the only way that the subject can be viewed

https://www.asu.edu/pipercwcenter/how2journal/archive/online_archive/v1_1_1999/fhbewild.html

conceived of each other, conceived each other in a darkness

which I remember was drenched in light

 We live on an island

I sit on a ledge in my favorite earth tones.

I could be called lucky.

In my peripheral nipples protrude & the woman,  

who I call a "whore" in my head, a few feet away is smoking,

french tip nails glisten with the sun.

She also could be called lucky.

Have you ever had to face the underside of something you loved?

The alarm in the morning breaks us from each other, the day plots

the disappearance of desire until night.

I picture my ex-boyfriend going to Home Depot with his dogs

just to feel a little different.

I could get my meter read,

that way I could meet a new person.

You never know what you're going to get with a new person,

they could be like real prose                                         thievery.

Whispering to no one, “this ledge is the lap of my apartment building.”

I remember bygone ideas like miracle workers and large breasted women.

They hardly exist nowadays, have you noticed that.

I like to remind service workers that we live on an island.

The city floats on island time,

tremulous as hetero companionship.

Now watch me straddle the railing 

of the lap next door

while breeze achieves its goal up my skirt.

I decided I don’t want to live forever

I want to stretch my body out of a window

only to grab the nearest tree branch while whispering,

“hellou” to no one.

I want to know even our limits.

bad at self parody

they always ask who is the you in this work.

I feel myself falling into the rush again, this familiar feeling of being possessed, held captive by a single emotional state.

At Alibi I broke things off with B2. The wrinkles framing his eyes always seemed so honest and dear, how they've stared back at me a few nights into mornings. 

I texted him today and he said he was "low and blue." Said he Took himself to the banya. 

We had some fun.

impaled wings of heaven 

behind her back. as innocent as a false claim. 

white bright and awful, even the clouds are wrong. 

Ben's eyes are the most muted cerulean

the troubles of symbols is that it does not trouble. 

************************************************************************************

Last night we ate two small ribs and wheat berries. He heard me stand up for myself on the phone with Katie, I told her meddling about Ash was trivial in the grand scheme and that I felt hurt that she didn't say anything about my forthcoming publication. She was apologetic and it's water under the bridge now. We kept making out in the bar and restaurant. Nothing is sacred and I'm not acting like myself. 

I played Lucy Song and it put him in a headspace. I didn't mean for it

Ben and I might have drank too much last night. I am paying for last night's affairs at work today. I'm nauseous and feeling hot flashes every 5 mins. I got a pang of sadness just now. I want to blame it on being hungover but I think it's something else. B2 sent me a voice message after not hearing from him for days, he sounded tender. He said, "you know just last week we slept together, we woke up together and went to work together and that same day you texted me saying "my hair smells like you and it brings me joy."

This morning I stared at Ben's jawline for a long time while he slept.