A better copy

Managing only greetings and goodbyes
Managing only thin light on a badly fed torso
My front-facing camera, my mirror, my problems
Fragile and momentary, we continue
Fearing the madness that resides in all things huge
The watchtower is unmanned
New bedroom won't be abandoned
Albeit, the future is unplanned



Watching you watch me, I watch you watch me. I'm bad at compliments both as the giver and receiver. You must know I trust everyone until proven otherwise. I told a variation of this to Heather, how people are amazing until they prove to you that they are not. She had her mouth agape as if I had said some thing of marvel. We spoke of permaculture. I got what I wanted from that interaction.

I called CD after class because I had a psychic feeling he wasn't okay. He was walking in the woods, so my premonition was correct. I don't know how to be in his life.

I texted CD some baby pictures yesterday. Which in turn made me cry for no real reason. I resent the age I was once was where love always seemed complicated. Love is still a plane of complication but only if I so choose it to be. CD said he was proud of me. Oh yeah? I snarked in defense. Proud of someone who writes little things on napkins, who never intends to know what a career is. I'm proud of that but not too proud. I could never be too proud.

If I want someone to know something about me I'll tell them. Take what's mine. Surely, this stance results in a lot of loss. Katie remarked how she resonates with this position but that not everyone is "there yet". I couldn't help but think about how I got here? I recall, especially in early childhood being so meek. Even at 23 in Germany I felt muted and meek once again.

I'm wearing lipstick inside my apartment on Forsyth street and drinking genmaicha. I don't really like genmaicha, I think it tastes like a whole ass meal but I bought it by accident. I feel like a sieve. I want to be slapped while wearing negligee. I want to be a little drunk or a little high, you know. Drug dealer has gone awol. I love all my vices. I love giving people second and third chances. I smoked a lucky in my kitchen after the movie last night. I had a Dales. I felt like a man which means I felt like I had control. The moment passed with slumber and right now I'm in a stupor that is my dumb luck. I was trying to practice my contempt but you got in the way. Everyday I fall in love.