Unearthing this

Unearthing this space to breathe because it feels safe to do so now. My last post was on my birthday. My birthday a terrible one. Maybe the worst one. 

As always, not that I want to dwell– things were repeated and repeated over and over. Things were said said and rarely heard heard. Interconnectedness can feel like foreign objects thrashing. I recorded you that night because you made me feel insane and just the other day deleted the 20 something minute long recording. Everything for a moment went downhill so fast. 

I want to see a word swell under a heat lamp.

Today my analyst said she thinks I'm distant from my feelings. She said that I keep analyzing others as a way to avoid analyzing myself. "Well, that's why I pay you." I joked. 

She cannot analyze me if I don't analyze me is what she said after. 

I admit to her that my productivity and rituals have been inconsistent. They're inconsistent because I'm having to relearn them again. Relearn the definition of words like "decidedly."

I get my second vaccine next week feb 8. It's not like it's going to change anything. 

I want to go to the Russian spa on Valentine's day. I want to give a man who I don't like too much flowers or at the very least maybe something other than nonchalance. 

The month of January has felt like 6 months. I cannot believe I got Basket a little over a month ago. 

It's so much colder now than it has ever been before. 

I met a man from the 50's and it's like he's teleported into being 28 years old today. Does that make sense 

did I ever roam the streets in the morning

just to watch a speckled brown pigeon on a promenade?
are you in love or are you in trauma
with the everlasting eye sight of the horizon
everything can involve death if you allow it

even love, it involves rebirth and eventual death. When you sink into this idea you can begin to free yourself.